Guest post from Arthur from New orkDatingCoach .com
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If you actively date, you have had your share of flaking.
Flakes come in different shapes and colors. There is the fake number, there is canceling the day before or right before the date, and then there is when you are already there but she isn’t. Keep in mind that this discussion is about when flaking is about to happen and how to spot it or prevent from the get go. We are not talking about phone numbers where everything goes smoothly and it goes right into the date, for them you don't need any advice.
A quality number is the best number and what we should strive for. It means you are so congruent that the woman is all-in, she doesn't risk qualifying you at this point because she afraid you might not want to ask her out. Yes, women have same fear of rejection as guys do. Not to the same extent, but it is there.
Flaking is actually a very under the radar topic, most people concentrate on approaching because it is way more exiting to talk about… "Ah, the thrill of the hunt!" However, in terms of getting more dates from your efforts, reducing flaking is very important.
Women never stop qualifying in the pre-date process. If she is not all-in, it is genetic. Oftentimes she uses excuses to weed out the wheat from the chaff.
Most guys think that if she is giving you a hard time then she is totally not interested but that preconception is wrong (again, we are not talking about easy dates where everything goes smoothly, since then I wouldn't have to write this article). She might want to see you but she still might want to keep her options open. Women are so good at telling "reasons" she might actually believe it herself (though most women do at least semi-consciously realize that she is keeping her options open). Women are always trying to get rid of guys-- the low quality guys.
She is looking for quality, which means she will qualify throughout the process of interaction leading up to a date and from then on until ongoing dating starts. Excuses are not equal to her not wanting to see you, since most of the time it is a test to see how you handle the "excuses". Whether an excuse is a real reason or not is irrelevant. Most guys won't be able to tell unless she really wants them to know. Men seem to think of a woman's interest as a logical 1+1=2 , but it is often 1+1= ? and that "?" is at least 50% up to the man.
Here is the problem, if you get 10 numbers and and 9 of them flake in one way or another (bottom line you get 1 date), it means you are concentrating way too much time on the wrong area of your game. For instance if you get only 5 numbers, but you get 3 dates, that’s 300% increase in your dating life, with half as much effort spent approaching.
Look at your current situation: How many numbers convert into dates?
This is the bottom line factor. Ignore all the fluff, IOIs, conversation time, escalation methods, and numbers that look like they are about to convert into date but they never do. Look at the bare facts, how many dates do you get a month on average? How many of them do you actually consider quality? Ask yourself "Did you really like the woman, or were you just there because you didn’t have enough dates with women you wanted to date?"
Tally it all up.
The easiest way to calculate your conversion rate of numbers to dates is to take the number of dates you have per month and divide that by the number of phone numbers you get. To turn it into a percentage, you multiply by 100. For example: If you go on 3 dates after you collected 10 numbers, then your percentage is 3 divided by 10 and then times 100 -- which is 30%. If you are under 30%, then you have a lot of potential to improve.
There will always be flakes. There is no magic to stop flaking completely but you can minimize it. By increasing your conversion rate, you can double or triple number of dates you are getting from the same amount of numbers you are getting right now.
You might ask, why can't you achieve 100% no-flakes? Because sometimes a woman gives her number just to avoid saying "no", sometimes she might have a family crisis or work problems, or other things that will result in flaky numbers. This factor you can't control, but there are a lot of factors you can control. For those you have no excuses.
Best medicine is not one that treats disease, best medicine is one that prevents disease. Same goes for flaking,
it is not what you do after she flaked, it is what you do before she flakes, and remember, you don't know for most part if she will flake or not, unless you look at the signals she is sending you .
Here is few mind set changes that will reduce your flaking by at least 50% and usually by a lot more:
1. Treat all reasons for flaking as excuses until proven otherwise. If she says she feels sick, treat it as an excuse. If she says family emergency, treat it as an excuse. Some excuses are obvious, such as "I feel tired," but most are not.
a. Why do we treat it as excuses? Because if it is a real reason, she will counter offer the date and she will be very eager to set up another time. For example: "I am really sorry but my uncle is in the hospital and I have to go but I can do any day this week."
b. Don’t give leeway. Too often we give too much leeway. "Oh yeah, your dog is sick. I am so sorry. Of course you can cancel on me." Don’t be a nice guy, this is the hardest part for nice guys -- they always think she is busy and she really couldn’t make it. Guess what, if she really wanted to see you she would find a time. If you don’t seem eager to re-setup the date after her cancellation, she will view you as a man who values his time.
2. Make solid plans. Know where you will go, which day, where you will meet, and what time it will be. Don't ask for suggestions. Have a firm plan for what you will do and where you will meet before you even call. For example: "Hey, let's meet up on Sunday at 3 at the Columbus Circle Sony building. It's a huge building, you can't miss it. Meet me by the entrance." I suggest having 1 or 2 places where you always meet up for a date, that way you don’t have to think about it. Women can’t stand a guy who doesn’t have a plan. Remember, she wants you to be a leader, a confident guy, and a confident guy knows what he is doing. This is the most basic and easiest change you can do without putting in any effort and you'll see a big difference in the ease of setting up a date.
Psychologically, if she can visualize where and when the meeting will take place, she is already imagining herself being there. If the girl you are setting up a date with knows where she will meet you and knows what it looks like, then she is already creating a picture of meeting you there.
3. Don't offer to confirm and don't leave plans in the air. The best way to make sure your date gets canceled is by not making solid plans and agreeing to confirm. Avoid this at all cost. Women often will say, "confirm with me" (or "call me that morning" or "cool, just call me before"). Never call before, ever. Make sure you make it clear on the phone that you are really busy, and since you already made plans there is no reason to confirm them -- they are already set. Women are very used to getting leeway and that’s why if you seem soft she will see you as plan B. Often confirmation is the cancelation. Think back on your own experience: Have you had a confirmation call and you were all excited to see that girl and then when you call, boom she cancels? It hits like a ton of bricks.
4. This one is very easy to follow, yet many men make this mistake. Never make plans more then 3 days in advance. You can tell her that you will let her know if you can make it (meaning it is you who leaves the plan in the air), but do not make plans far in advance. A week in advance plan is much more likely to get canceled then if it was only 2 days in advance. A few years ago, we did our own study at [url=www.newyorkdatingcoach.com]NewYorkDatingCoach.com[/url] and tracked dates for some of our clients, on average a date made more than 3 days in advance had a cancellation ratio higher by 63% than a date made 3 days or less in advance.
You will notice that all 4 elements have same attitude: You have the backbone and confidence to change the terms of the game that she is playing. If you apply all 4 of them to your setting up dates, your flake rate will change tremendously. The conversion rate of numbers to dates will skyrocket and stay there. If you implement only 1 or 2, it will get better -- but it will not click as it will when you have all 4 elements put to use and you develop the proper total attitude about flaking. Meeting, dating, flaking, it all comes down to your mind set and your attitude. If it is negative, you will make a lot more mistakes and have a much harder time dating and if you have the right attitude, positive mind set and open to learning, success will come very quickly.
Arthur Malov
www.NewYorkDatingCoach.com "
Tags: Datingflakingnatural Taking Numbers Women
